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Text 10. A Warning to Beginners





 

In England everything is the other way round.

On Sundays on the Continent even the poorest person puts on his best suit, tries to look respectable, and at the same time the life of the country becomes gay and cheerful; in England even the richest peer or motor-manufacturer dresses in some peculiar rags, does not shave, and the country becomes dull and dreary. On the Continent there is one topic which should be avoided – the weather; in England, if you do not repeat the phrase «Lovely day, isn’t it?» at least two hundred times a day, you are considered a bit dull. On the Continent Sunday papers appear on Monday; in England – a country of exotic oddities – they appear on Sunday. On the Continent people use a fork as though a fork were a shovel; in England they turn it upside down and push everything – including peas – on top of it.

On a continental bus approaching a request-stop the conductor rings the bell if he wants his bus to go on without stopping; in England you ring the bell if you want the bus to stop. On the Continent stray cats are judged individually on their merit –some are loved, some are only respected; in England they are universally worshipped as in ancient Egypt. On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.

On the Continent public orators try to learn to speak fluently and smoothly; in England they take a special course in Oxonian stuttering. On the Continent learned persons love to quote Aristotle, Horace, Montaigne and show off their knowledge; in England only uneducated people show off their knowledge, nobody quotes Latin and Greek authors in the course of a conversation, unless he has never read them.

On the Continent almost every nation whether little or great has openly declared at one time or another that it is superior to all other nations; the English fight heroic wars to combat these dangerous ideas without ever mentioning which is really the most superior race in the world. Continental people are sensitive and touchy; the English take everything with an exquisite sense of humour – they are only offended if you tell them that they have no sense of humour. On the Continent the population consists of a small percentage of criminals, a small percentage of honest people and the rest are a vague transition between the two; in England you find a small percentage of criminals and the rest are honest people. On the other hand, people on the Continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth.

Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.

(George Mikes. How to be an Alien)

 

 

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Text 11. Introduction

The aim of introduction is to conceal a person’s identity. It is very important that you should not pronounce anybody’s name in a way that the other party may be able to catch it. Generally speaking, your pronunciation is a sound guarantee for that. On the other hand, if you are introduced to someone there are two important rules to follow.

1. If he stretches out his hand in order to shake yours, you must not accept it. Smile vaguely, and as soon as he gives up the hope of shaking you by the hand, you stretch out your own hand and try to catch his in vain. This game is repeated until the greater part of the afternoon or evening has elapsed. It is extremely likely that this will be the most amusing part of the afternoon or evening, anyway.

2. Once the introduction has been made you have to inquire after the health of your new acquaintance.

Try the thing in your own language. Introduce the persons, let us say, in French and murmur their names. Should they shake hands and ask:

«Comment allez-vous

«Comment allez-vous?» – it will be a capital joke, remembered till their last days.

Do not forget, however, that your new friend who makes this touchingly kind inquiry after your state of health does not care in the least whether you are well and kicking or dying of delirium tremens. A dialogue like this:

HE: «How d’you do?»

YOU: «General state of health fairly satisfactory. Slight insomnia and a rather bad corn on left foot. Blood pressure low, digestion slow but normal.»

– well, such a dialogue would be unforgivable.

In the next phase you must not say «Pleased to meet you». This is one of the very few lies you must never utter because, for some unknown reason, it is considered vulgar. You must not say «Pleased to meet you», even if you are definitely disgusted with the man.

A few general remarks:

1. Do not click your heels, do not bow, leave off gymnastic and choreographic exercises altogether for the moment.

2. Do not call foreign lawyers, teachers, dentists, commercial travellers and estate agents «Doctor». Everybody knows that the little word «doctor» only means that they are Central Europeans. This is painful enough in itself, you do not need to remind people of it all the time. (George Mikes. How to be an Alien)

 

 

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Text 12. The Language

 

When I arrived in England I thought I knew English. After I’d been here an hour I realized that I did not understand one word. In the first week I picked up a tolerable working knowledge of the language and the next seven years convinced me gradually but thoroughly that I would never know it really well, let alone perfectly. This is sad. My only consolation being that nobody speaks English perfectly.

Remember that those five hundred words an average Englishman uses are far from being the whole vocabulary of the language. You may learn another five hundred and another five thousand and yet another fifty thousand and still you may come across a further fifty thousand you have never heard of before, and nobody else either.

If you live here long enough you will find out to your greatest amazement that the adjective nice is not the only adjective the language possesses, in spite of the fact that in the first three years you do not need to learn or use any other adjectives. You can say that the weather is nice, a restaurant is nice, Mr. Soandso is nice, Mrs. Soandso’s clothes are nice, you had a nice time, and all this will be very nice.

Then you have to decide on your accent. You will have your foreign accent all right, but many people like to mix it with something else. I knew a Polish Jew who had a strong Yiddish-Irish accent. People found it fascinating though slightly exaggerated. The easiest way to give the impression of having a good accent or no foreign accent at all is to hold an unlit pipe in your mouth, to mutter between your teeth and finish all your sentences with the question: «isn’t it?» People will not understand much, but they are accustomed to that and they will get a most excellent impression.

I have known quite a number of foreigners who tried hard to acquire an Oxford accent. The advantage of this is that you give the idea of being permanently in the company of Oxford dons and lecturers on medieval numismatics; the disadvantage is that the permanent singing is rather a strain on your throat and that it is a type of affection that even many English people find it hard to keep up incessantly. You may fall out of it, speak naturally, and then where are you?

The Mayfair accent can be highly recommended, too. The advantages of Mayfair English are that it unites the affected air of the Oxford accent with the uncultured flavour of a half-educated professional hotel-dancer.

The most successful attempts, however, to put on a highly cultured air have been made on the polysyllabic lines. Many foreigners who have learnt Latin and Greek in school discover with amazement and satisfaction that the English language has absorbed a huge amount of ancient Latin and Greek expressions, and they realize that (a) it is much easier to learn these expressions than the much simpler English words; (b) that these words as a rule are interminably long and make a simply superb impression when talking to the greengrocer, the porter and the insurance agent.

Imagine, for instance, that the porter of the block of flats where you live remarks sharply that you must not put your dustbin out in front of your door before 7.30 a.m. Should you answer «Please don’t bully me,» a loud and tiresome argument may follow, and certainly the porter will be proved right, because you are sure to find a clause in your contract (small print, bottom of last page) that the porter is always right and you owe absolute allegiance and unconditional obedience to him. Should you answer, however, with these words: «I repudiate (отвергать) your petulant (дерзкий, надменный) expostulations (упреки)», the argument will be closed at once, the porter will be proud of having such a highly cultured man in the block, and from that day onwards you may, if you please, get up at four o’clock in the morning and hang your dustbin out of the window. But even in Curzon Street society, if you say, for instance, that you are a tough guy they will consider you a vulgar, irritating and objectionable person. Should you declare, however, that you are an inquisitorial (любопытный) and peremptory (властный) homo sapiens, they will have no idea what you mean, but they will feel in their bones that you must be something wonderful.

When you know all the long words it is advisable to start learning some of the short ones, too.

You should be careful when using these endless words. An acquaintance of mine once was fortunate enough to discover the most impressive word nostalgia for back-ache. Mistakenly, however, he declared in a large company:

«I have such a nostalgia».

«Oh, you want to go home to Nizhniy-Novgorod?» asked his most sympathetic hostess.

«Not at all», he answered. «I just cannot sit down». Finally, there are two important points to remember:

1. Do not forget that it is much easier to write in English than to speak English, because you can write without a foreign accent.

2. In a bus and in other public places it is more advisable to speak softly in good German than to shout in abominable English.

Anyway, this whole language business is not at all easy. After spending eight years in this country, the other day I was told by a very kind lady: «But why do you complain? You really speak a most excellent accent without the slightest English».

(George Mikes. How to be an Alien)

 

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Text 13. Manners and Morals

 

You must not allow yourself to be misled by the map. England is not as near the European Continent as mapmakers try to make you believe. She lies thousands of miles away, half between the moon and the 19th century. She has nothing to do with Europe, and it is not only the language that divides her from the United States. Below I would like to give a few hints and warnings to American and overseas visitors about English manners, food, and morals.

Etiquette in reverse for Americans: If you meet an archbishop, an earl of the realm, or a roadsweeper, do not pat him on the back, and call him by his first name in the first five minutes. Do not ask him whether he has a love affair and how much he earns. (He might be so astounded that he would tell you everything.) Keep your American hat, tie, and accent. The English will recognize you immediately and will treat you with leniency.

If you have a business lunch, do not discuss business under any circumstances. Do not cut your meat and do not put the knife on the edge of your plate. The English will consider it childish and will believe that you are your own nanny. If you eat the soup do not tilt (наклонять) the plate towards yourself, always tilt it away. This is both important and eminently sensible, because if you happen to spill the soup, you won’t pour it on yourself but on your neighbour.

You may criticize everything and everybody in England, they are very good in accepting criticism because they do not take it in the least seriously. Do pretend, however, that you love queuing and adore cats. The cat is a sacred animal in England, just as in ancient Egypt.

The art of tacit conversation for Europeans: If an Englishman invites you for dinner at eight, he does not mean half past nine, he means eight. Do not bow, do not click your heels, and never shake hands with anyone. If you are introduced to somebody, do not announce your name but enquire after his health. On the other hand, if somebody enquires after YOUR health, do not tell him how you are, because he is not in the least interested. Do not try to learn the English monetary system, it is quite hopeless, and they won’t cheat you with your change in any case. (Besides the English, who need a bookkeeper or ready-reckoner (арифметические таблицы) to calculate ten percent of £ 237/8s 10 d, believe that their system is engagingly simple and that yours, although you can perform the corresponding calculation in one second, is stupid and insuperably complicated.)

About social intercourse: English people sit down in comfortable armchairs and keep silent for a couple of hours. This is considered normal or even animated conversation in England. If you are courting an English girl, don’t say a single word to her during the first five days. If you MUST talk (to her or others), do not discuss anything that might possibly interest you. The weather is always a safe subject, and you will find out soon enough that English weather is something worth wasting a few remarks upon. …

Don’t forget that the English think all foreigners frightfully funny. In their eyes it is irresistibly comical that people talk foreign languages and shake hands. They will never say so, but that is what they think. In the Zoo I often thought that we, human beings, must seem just as entertaining to the monkeys and lions, as they seem to us. We, too, are behind bars – from their point of view – and behave curiously. They have the advantage of being able to stay at home without having to pay anything for the pleasure of seeing us. Do not deceive yourself in the British Zoo is called England. You have come to watch and study strange beings. But it is primarily the British Lion (often the British Monkeys) who is amused.

(George Mikes. Britain and Ireland)

Notes

£ – pound sterling – monetary unit of the United Kingdom, equals 100 pence. Formerly pound equalled 20 shillings, s, and a shilling – twelve pence, d.

The British lion – symbol personifying the British nation.

 

 

Text 14. The Weather

This is the most important topic in the land. Do not be misled by memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: «He is the type who would discuss the weather with you». In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good at discussing the weather.

EXAMPLES FOR CONVERSATION

For Good Weather

«Lovely day, isn’t it?»

«Isn’t it beautiful?»

«The sun...»

«Isn’t it gorgeous?»

«Wonderful, isn’t it?»

«It’s so nice and hot...»

«Personally, I think it’s so nice when it’s hot – isn’t it?»

«I adore it – don’t you?»

For Bad Weather

«Nasty day, isn`t it?»

«Isn’t it dreadful?»

The rain... I hate rain...»

«I don’t like it at all. Do you?»

«Fancy such a day in July. Rain in the morning, then a bit of sunshine, and then rain, rain, rain, all day long».

«I remember exactly the same July day in 1936».

«Yes, I remember too.»

«Or was it in 1928?»

«Yes, it was.»

«Or in 1939?»

«Yes, that’s right.»

Now observe the last few sentences of this conversation. A very important rule emerges from it. You must never contradict anybody when discussing the weather. Should it hail and snow, should hurricanes uproot the trees from the sides of the road, and should someone remark to you: «Nice day, isn’t it?» – Answer without hesitation: «Isn’t it lovely?».

Learn the above conversation by heart. If you are a bit slow in picking things up, learn at least one conversation, it would do wonderfully for any occasion.

If you do not say anything else for the rest of your life, just repeat this conversation, you still have a fair chance of passing as a remarkably witty man of sharp intellect, keen observation and extremely pleasant manners.

English society is a class society, strictly organized almost on corroborative lines. If you doubt this, listen to the weather forecasts. There is always a different weather forecast for farmers. You often hear statements like this on the radio:

«Tomorrow it will be cold, cloudy and foggy; long periods of rain will be interrupted by short periods of showers.»

And then:

«Weather forecast for farmers. It will be fair and warm, many hours of sunshine.»

You must not forget that the farmers do grand work of national importance and deserve better weather.

It happened on innumerable occasions that nice, warm weather had been forecast and rain and snow fell all day long, or vice versa. Some people jumped rashly to the conclusion that something must be wrong with the weather forecasts. They are mistaken and should be more careful with their allegations.

I have read an article in one of the Sunday papers and now I can tell you what the situation really is. All troubles are caused by anti-cyclones. (I don’t quite know what anti-cyclones are, but this is not important; I hate cyclones and am very anti-cyclone myself.) The two naughtiest anti-cyclones are the Azores and the Polar anti-cyclones.

The British meteorologists forecast the right weather – as it really should be – and then these impertinent little anti-cyclones interfere and mess up everything.

That again proves that if the British kept to themselves and did not mix with foreign things like Polar and Azores anti-cyclones they would be much better off.

(George Mikes. How to be an Alien)

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Text 15. Body language

Gestures help us clarify confusing messages, so differences in body language are a major source of misunderstanding. We may also make the mistake of assuming that a non-American who speaks English has mastered the body language of our culture as well. It therefore pays to learn some basic differences in the ways people supplement their words with body movement. Take the signal for no. North Americans shake their heads back and forth; the Japanese move their right hands; Sicilians raise their chins. Or take eye contact. North Americans read each other through eye contact. They may assume that a person who won»t meet our gaze is evasive and dishonest. But in many parts of Latin America, keeping your eyes lowered is a sign of respect. It’s also a sign of respect among many black Americans, which some schoolteachers have failed to learn. When they scold their black students, saying «Look at me when I’m talking to you», they only create confusion for the children.

Sometimes people from different cultures misread an intentional signal, and sometimes they overlook the signal entirely or assume that a meaningless gesture is significant. For example, an Arab man indicates a romantic interest in a woman by running a hand backward across his hair; most Americans would dismiss this gesture as meaningless. On the other hand, an Egyptian might mistakenly assume that a Westerner sitting with the sole of his or her shoe showing is offering a grave insult.

 

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