Mastering Human Relationships

The most important and the most highly paid form of intelligence in America is social intelligence, the ability to get along well with other people. Fully 85 percent of your success in life is going to be determined by your social skills, by your ability to interact posi-tively and effectively with others md to get them to cooperate with you in helping you to achieve your goals.

Learning how to develop md maintain superior human rela-tionships can do more for your career md for your personal life thm perhaps mything else you can accomplish.

The blUi news is that the inability to get along with others is the primary reason for failure, frustration md unhappiness in life and work. According to one study, more thm 95 percent of men and women let go from their jobs over a ten-year period were fired because of poor sociRJ sltiJJs rather than lack of competence or techni-cal ability.

According to psychologist Sydney Jourard, most of your joy in life comes from your happy relationships with other people, and most of your problems in life come from unhappy relationships with them. Most of your problems in life are people problems.

Fortunately, you can become extremely skilled at getting along with others, and in this chapter, you will learn how. You'll learn a variety of proven methods to immediately improve your relation-ships with virtually myone, under almost my circumstances.

All of us either think we have, or feel we have, or want to have a "healthy personality." There are many definitions of "healthy per· sonality," and here are three of the most helpful.

First, your personality is healthy to the degree to which you deliberately look for the good in each person and each situation. Your personality is unhealthy to the degree to which you look for the bad in people and circumstances. Do you look for and find good in others, or do you criticize and complain about them? That's the first measure.

Second, your personality is healthy to the degree to which you can freely forgive people who have hurt you in some way. Most unhappiness and psychosomatic illness is caused by the inability to forgive, the insistence on holding grudges long after an incident has passed. The very act of forgiving has a liberating influence on your personality. Truly healthy people do not hate, nor do they go around preoccupied with anger and resentment over what hap-pened in the past. They keep their minds clear of old problems. They let them go. That's the second measure.

Third, your personality is healthy to the degree to which you can get along easily with many different kinds of people. Anybody can get along with a few peopli. You can always get along with people who are very much like you, positive or negative. But the truly healthy person has an easy ability to get along with a great variety of people with different temperaments, different personali-ties, different attitudes, different values and different opinions. That's the real measure, the real test.

There is a direct relationship between your own level of self-esteem and the health of your personality. The more you liltt and respea yourself, the more you like and respect others. The more youconsider yourself to be a valuable and worthwhile person, the more you consider others to be valuable and worthwhile as well. The more you accept yourself just as you are, the more you accept others just as they are.

A5 your self-esteem improves, you become better and better at getting along with more different kinds of people, for longer peri-ods of time. Your life becomes happier and more fulfilling. Men

and women with high levels of self-esteem can get along with al-most anyone, anywhere and in almost any situation.

Men and women with low self-esteem can only get along with a few people, and then not for very long. Their low self-regard manifests itself in anger, impatience, criticism, badmouthing and arguments with the people around them. They don't like them-selves so they don't really like others. As a result, people don't like them very much either.

The Law ofI ndirea Effort states that you get almost everything in your relationships with others more easily by approaching them indirectly rather than directly.

For example, if you want to impress people, the direct way of going about it is to try to convince them of your admirable qualities and accomplishments. But trying to impress another person by talking about yourself usually makes you feel a little foolish, and sometimes even embarrassed.

The indirect way of impressing another person, however, is simply to be impressed by the other person. The more you arc impressed by the other person, by who he or she is, or what he or she has accomplished, the more likely it is that the other person will be impressed by you.

If you want to get someone interested in you, the direct way is to tell him or her aU about yourself But the indirect way works better. It is simply to become interested in him or her. The more interested you become in another person, the more likely it is that the other person will become interested in you.

If you want to be happy) the direct way is to do whatever you can think of that will make you happy. However, the most enjoy-able and lasting form of happiness comes from making someone else happy. By the Law of Indirect Effort, whenever you do or say anything that makes someone else happy, you feel happy yourself. You boost your own spirits, your own self-esteem.

How do you get another person to respea you? The best way is to respect him or her. When you express respect or admiration for another person, he or she feels respect and admiration for you. In human relations, we call this the Principle of Reciprocity. When-

ever you do something nice for someone else, the other person will want to reciprocate by doing something nice for you. Most of our romances and friendships are based on this principle.

How do you get a person to believe in you, given the Law of Indirect Effort? The answer is to believe in him or her. Whenever you show that you believe or have confidence in an~ther person, he or she will tend to believe in and have confidence m you. You get what you give. What you send out, you get back..

, have to do with developing a healthy personality in yourself. You are structured in such a way that everything you do to another

person has a reciprocal effect on yourse~. Everything you do to raise the self-esteem of another person ratSCS your own self-esteem at the same time, and in the same measure. Since self-esteem is the hallmark of the healthy personality, you can actuaIJy improve the

health of your own persontdity by ttUting every opportu~ity to ~prwe the health of the personalities of others. What you sow m the lives of

Everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. This is most true in the area of self-esteem and self-confidence. Everyone grows up with a feeling of inferiority, and throughout most of our lives we need to be praised and recognized by others. No matter how successful or how elevated people may become, they still need their self-images reinforced. They still need people to say things to boost their self-esteem and make them feel more valuable and

There is a line that says, "1 like you because of the way 1 feel about myself when 1 am with you." This line contains the key to excellent human relations. The most successful and happy men and women are those who make other people feel good about them-selves when they are with them. When you go through life raising the self-esteem of others, opportunities will open up before you, and people will help you in ways you cannot now imagine.

Practice the Law of Indirect Effort. Take every opportunity to say and do things that make people feel more valuable. Each time you express a kindness toward another person, your own self-esteem improves. Your own personality becomes more positive and healthy. You impress into your own mind whatever you express toward someone else.

The key to raising the self-esteem of others, using the Law of Indirect Effort, is simply to make others feel important. Everything you do or say that makes another feel more important boosts his or her self-esteem and increases your self-esteem in equal measure at the same time.

When you go throughout your day looking for ways to make others feel important you will be popular and welcome everywhere. You will be healthier and happier and get more real satisfaction from life than others do. You will have lower levels of stress and higher levels of energy. Above all, you will genuinely like and re-spect yourself more and experience greater peace of mind.

The starting point of raising the self-esteem of others is to rtop tearing it down. Immediately stop doing or saying anything that lowers another's self-esteem. At the very least, be neutral. Keep silent. Say nothing.

Destructive criticism of any kind lowers self-esteem faster than any other behavior. More relationships and personalities are dam-aged or ruined by destructive criticism than by all other negative influences put together.

Destructive criticism attacks the core of human personality, triggering feelings of guilt, inferiority and undeservingness. When a person is criticized, even with so-called "constructive criticism," he or she immediately feels angry and defensive and wants to defend and strike back. By the Law of Reciprocity, whenever you do or say something that hurts others, especially when it attacks their self-esteem, you make them want, or even need, to strike back, to get even.

We are conditioned from infancy to be very sensitive to any expression of disapproval or criticism from anyone, for any reason. When we're criticized, our rdlexes take over. Our self-esteem plum-mets. Our feelings or attitudes toward the person criticizing us immediately turn negative.

ing other people. Eliminate destructive criticism of any kind from your vocabulary and from your conversations. Become a positive person by only saying things that build people up rather than tear-ing them down.

Most people you meet are doing the very best they can with what they have to work with. Very few people make mistakes delib-erately or do things poorly as a matter of choice. In fact, the brain is designed in such a way that it is almost impossible for a person to deliberately do something wrong if he or she knows how to do it right. A mistake of any kind makes a person feel incompetent. Self-esteem goes down. Self-image suffers. He or she doesn't like or respect him- or herself as much. No one does this to him- or herself on purpose.

Most criticism of others comes from judging and blaming, from setting yourself up as superior to them in some way. Judging oth-ers, however, triggers the Law of Sowing and Reaping. It causes others to judge you.more critically. It brings down the same nega-tive consequences on your own head. Criticizing others causes oth-ers to criticize you.

Almost all negative emotions begin with judging and blaming others. The reason you avoid criticizing is therefore a purely selfish one. Being positive and supportive of others, or at least neutral, enables you to remain positive and cheerful yourself. Refusing to criticize allows you to remain detached rather than becoming emo-tionally involved.

It's easy to get into the habit of criticizing and fault-finding. Many people's entire conversation revolves around badmouthing and criticism. However, you must break this habit if you are really determined to develop the kind of personality you need to get to the top.

You must stop running people down or speaking negatively about them for any reason. No matter what a person has done, or how wrong you think it is, keep your opinions to yourself. Make a game of finding reasons not to criticize or condemn. Make up excuses for the other person, wish him or her well, and when appro-priate, forgive him and let him off the hoole.

Another behavior that undermines self-esteem in both the speaker and the listener is the habit of wmpUUnmg. Many people slip into complaining, playing the game of"Ain't it awful." They

say things like, "Ain't it awful what so and so did?" or "Ain't it awful that prices are so high?" or "Ain't it awful that business is so bad?" Then they try to "one-up" each other by thinking of things that are even worse.

Henry Ford said it well: "Never complain, never explain." The habit of finding things to complain about attracts other complainers into your life and your social circle. By the Law of Concentration, which states that whatever you dwell upon grows in your reality, the more you complain, the more you find to complain about, and the more people you find to complain with.

Real men and women never complain. If they have a problem and there is something they can do about it, they get busy and take action. If there is nothing they can do about it, they simply say, ''What cannot be cured must be endured." They then get busy doing what they can, but they never, never complain.

The truth is that no one is really interested in your complaints anyway. People have problems of their own, and many of their problems are a lot worse than yours. Probably 80 percent of the people you talk to about your complaints don't care, and the other 20 percent are kind of glad you've got them. Ambrose Bierce de-fined "happiness" as "that emotion experienced upon seeing the misfortune of a friend." It's all too true.

Resolve to halt all criticizing, condemning and complaining. As the song says, "If you can't say something nice, don't speak at all, is my advice." If you simply eliminate negativity of all kinds from your conversation, that alone will have a powerful, positive impact on your relationships. You will feel better about yourself, and so will everyone else.

There are seven positive, constructive, and psychologically sound proactive behaviors you can practice to improve the way you get along with other people. Each of these appeals to the deep subcon-scious needs of others, to their needs to feel important, valued and respected. These subconscious needs were formed in early child-hood and if you can satisfy them you will be amazed at how much more people willlilce you and, by the Law of Indirect Effort, how much more you willlilce yourself.

The first behavior is simply to be agreeable. People like to be around agreeable men and women, individuals with whom they can freely and easily discuss a great variety of subjects. When you nod, smile and agree with a person who is talking, he or she feels more valuable and respected, feels that what he or she has to say is important and therefore he or she is also important.

Agreeable behavior raises the self-esteem of others. Disagree-ment lowers it. Whenever you disagree or argue with people, you are challenging their knowledge and intelligence. You are telling them that they are wrong, that their judgment and experience are not worth very much. Therefore, by extension, they are not worth very much either.

It is a fact of human nature that we hate to be wrong and never so much as when it is obvious that we are. Being wrong on an issue makes us feel that we ourselves are somehow wrong. Our self-esteem takes a beating. We feel diminished and inadequate, and we see ourselves as deficient or incompetent.

When you tell a person that he or she is wrong, his or her immediate response will be to become defensive, to dig in and be even more adamant. Our self-esteem is usually very fragile, and when we are told that we are wrong, we react quickly to guard and protect it at all costs.

Be agreeable. Be the kind of person who agrees easily with other people. Remember the words, "Agree with thine adversary quickly." If you become an agreeable and easy person to get along with, you create far less resistance in other people to helping you or to getting along with you. Even if the other person is obviously wrong, based on your knowledge of the facts, you have to ask yourself, "How important is this?" If it's not important, rather than disagreeing, let it pass.

When I was growing up, I became a great "'8'"". I would argue with anylxxiy about anything at the drop of a hat. Often, I would take the time to become well infonned on a subject just so that I

would know more than the person I was arguing with. With my superior information, I would almost always win. Whatever he or she said, I could top it.

However, I soon found myself spending a lot of time alone. People began to deliberately avoid me. People didn't want to spend time with me at work, nor did they want to socialize with me after work. I was winning all the arguments, but I was losing all the friends.

It is said that "a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." I was convincing people, overwhelming them with my superior knowledge of facts, but I was losing in a much more important sense of the word. I had forgotten to ask myself, "What's important ~ere?"

And the answer to the question was that what was important to me was that I get along with other people. The relationships were what was important, not being right or winning the argu-ments. You should use this same measure yourself. Always ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" And choose happiness!

The best policy, when someone says something that you feel is incorrect, is to just let it go. But if for some reason the matter is so important that you cannot let it pass, you can still remain agreeable by using what is called "third-party disagreement."

With this method, you put the words of your argument into the mouth of an imaginary or nonpresent third person. You say, "That's a very interesting point, Bill, but if someone were to ask this question, how would you answer it?" Then, put your question into the mouth of someone else.

You could ask, ''What do you think our customers would say if they knew we were doing this?" Or you could ask, "How do you think our bankers would respond to our taking this kind of action?" In each case, you can continue to be easy-going and agreeable while raising the questions that are in your own mind. Just put the words in someone else's mouth.

The advantage of this method is, that if the person has a good answer, you can go along without having been disagreeable. If the other person cannot answer the question, he or she can change his or her mind without losing face because the person who is "asking the question" is not present and his or her ego is not involved.

Your decision to become an agreeable and easy-going person will lower your stress levels and increase your ability to influence others to help you. You will raise the self-esteem of others and feel better about yourself, as well.

The second self-esteem-building behavior you can practice is "ac-ceptance." Each of us is conditioned to seek the acceptance of other people. The infant starts off looking into the face of his or her mother or father to sec: if he or she is loved, respected, wanted, important, funny, intelligent and so on. As we grow up, we look into the faces of other people to see how we are doing. We have a deep need to be accepted by other people, even by people we don't know.

When two people meet, for example, either for the first time or in subsequent meetings, the very first thing that has to be estab-lished between them is a certain level of acceptance. We look into the eyes, the smile, the face and the body language of the other person, to see whether that other person accepts us and is happy with our presence. Only when we feel accepted can we relax.

Many social problems are caused by people and groups crying out to be accepted on their own terms by others. When you "step up to the plate" and express genuine, unconditional acceptance of another person, you raise that person's self-esteem, you improve that person's self-image, and you make him or her feel relaxed and safe in your company.

And what do you have to do to express acceptance? Simple. Just smile. It takes only 13 muscles to smile and 112 muscles to frown. A genuine smile directed to another person says a lot. It says, "I accept you as you are, unconditionally." When you smile at another person, he or she feels valuable, important and worthwhile. He or she feels better about him- or herself. And all it costs you is a simple smile, an expression of genuine warmth.

A Chinese proverb says, "A man without a smile should not open a shop." Salespeople, business people, anyone whose: liveli-

hood depends on the patronage or the support of others has to learn how to practice acceptance in his or her relationships.

The Law of Reciprocity states that if you make people feel good by smiling and greeting them positively, they will want to reciprocate by treating you the same way. Willy Loman, in Death of a Salesman) said, "The most important thing is to be liked."When people like you, they are far more willing to cooperate with you. The starting point of being liked is to like other people. And the way that you express that you like another person is by giving that person a warm, heartfelt smile when you meet him or her.

Of course, the hardest time to smile is when you don't feel like smiling at all. But you can act your way into feeling. Even if you don't feel particularly positive, if you force yourself to smile genu-inely at the people you meet for just a few minutes, you will begin to feel better again. The clouds of negativity will break up and blow away. Gradually, your smiles will become more and more genuine. You will raise your own self-esteem by making an effort to raise the self-esteem of others, and you do it by smiling.

The third step you can take to raise the self-esteem of others is by expressing appreciation. One of the deepest cravings of human na-ture is the need to be appreciated. Whenever you express gratitude or appreciation toward another person for anything that the other person has done, you make him or her feel more valuable, more competent and more worthwhile.

All it takes to express appreciation are the simple words, "thank you." The words "thank you" are two of the most powerful in the English language, and the most powerful single expression in virtually any language. I have traveled and worked in more than eighty countries, and I have learned that you can get halfway across any country in the world by simply learning and saying the words "please" and "thank you" everywhere you go.

The words "thank you" have tremendous power. Each time you say them to another person, his or her self-esteem increases. Your

thanks reward and reinforce his or her behavior. Your "thank you" increases the likelihood that he or she will repeat it. If you say "thank you" for small things, people will soon be doing big things for you.

Develop the habit of saying "thank you" to everybody for any-thing and everything they do. Say "thank you" to your spouse for everything that he or she does for you. Say "thank you" to your children for anything that they do around the house. The more you thank your spouse and your children, the more positive and happy they feel about themselves. The more eager they are to do more of the things that trigger your appreciation.

Throughout your day, say "thank you" to people who do things for you. Thank people for giving you appointments. Thank them for their time. Thank them for their comments. Thank them for their generosity. Thank them for their help. Thank people for ev-erything you can think of.

And send "thank-you notes." Thank-you notes are some of the most powerful self-esteem and relationship builders ever invented. When you send a thank-you note to someone, even one that con-tains only a few words, he or she often remembers you positively lOr months, or even years. You can set yourself apart from the crowd by becoming known for the different ways that you express gratitude toward other people, by the number of different ways that you say "thank you."

Develop an "attitude of gratitude." The happiest and most pop-ular people are those who go through their lives being genuinely grateful for the things that happen to them and for everyone they meet. An attitude of gratitude clears a path before you. An attitude of gratitude guarantees a healthy personality and a higher level of self-esteem. And the more thankful you are for what you have, the more things you are going to have to be thankful lOr.

The fourth way to raise the self-esteem of others, to make them feel more important, is [0 express approval of them on every possible occasion. The expression of approval, or prtIise, is one of the fastest and most predictable ways to make people feel happy and proud Giving praise and recognition to other people is the surest way to

boost their self-esteem, to reinforce their behavior and to make them want to help you and cooperate with you.

One definition of self-esteem is how much a person considers him- or herself "praiseworthy." Whenever a person receives praise from another, his or her self-esteem goes up like a thermometer on a hot day. Ken Blanchard, author of The One Minute MlUJll9er, recommends the use of "one minute praisings" throughout the day. He recommends that you "catch people doing something right." And the more you do, the more effective and competent they feel, and the more likely they are to repeat the behavior that earned the praise.

Tired children who are praised and approved by their parents or teachers actually perk up and recover their lost energy. When people are genuinely praised by someone they respect, their enthu-siasm and alertness increase and they feel much better about them-selves. There is almost nothing that has greater power to raise people's self-esteem and to make them feel good about themselves than the sincere expression of praise and approval for something that they have done or said.

Praising is an art. Great leaders, successful business people and excellent parents are all good at praising. Here are three things you can do to achieve the maximum effect from your praising of other people.

First, the praise should be immediRte. The sooner you praise an action or behavior, the greater the impact it has. Some companies make the mistake of giving people appraisals every three or six months or even once per year. But when you give people praise long after an incident has passed, it has very little effect on their feelings about themselves, or their future actions. So praise immedi-ately, or as close in time to the behavior as you possibly can.

Second, praise specifiaUly. When you praise a specific action or behavior, you ensure that that specific action or behavior is re-peated. However, if you praise generally, as some people do, it has little effect on the recipient. For example, if you say to your secre-tary, "You're doing a great job," your words will have only a mod-erate impact. But if you say, "You did an excellent job typing and

getting that report out on Thursday," you will be.much more Likely to see future reports completed and sent out on nIne.

In praising children, the same rule holds true. Instead of saying, "You're a great kid," instead say, "You did a super job of making

your bed and cleaning up your bedroom this moming." Whatever specific accomplishment you praise, your child is much more lik~ly

Third, whenever possible, praise in public. If you must correct a person, correct the person in private, but praise the person in front of others. The more people that you praise someone in front of, the more it boosts that person's self-esteem and self-respect. Awards and recognition given in front of large audiences of coworkers have the greatest impact of all on a person's self-esteem and subsequent

People may work harder for more money, but they will crawl over broken glass to get more praise and recognition. All great leaders are aware of this and use their positions to dispense praise generously. It was Napoleon who said, "I have discovered a remark-able thing; men will die for ribbons." Praise is a powerful motivator when given properly.

If you want a person to dnelop a habit, such as cleaning up his or her bedroom or coming to work on time, you should praise the penon every single time he or she does it. This form of praisingiscalled "continuous reinforcement." If you continuously praise the new behavior you want to see repeated, eventually the person will repeat it so often that he or she will make it a habit. After the person has developed the new habit, you can switch to "intermit-tent reinforcement." Intenninent reinforcement means that you only praise the behavior every third or fourth time it occurs.

Continuous reinforcement, once the habit has been established, may sound insincere and can acrually be demotivating. Repetitive praising may even cause the person to discontinue the behavior altogether. But intermittent reinforcement, once the habit has been established, can cause the behavior to be repeated indefinitely. It is the equivalent of "keeping the plate spinning."

For example, to get your children to clean up their rooms, praise them every single time they clean up even the smallest thing. Make a big deal about it. Keep this up until the children start to clean their rooms voluntarily, or at least, with little urging. Once they've gotten into the habit of cleaning up their rooms, you only need to give them praise or approval every third or fourth time. That will be enough to keep the habit "locked in."

The fifth behavior you can practice to raise the self-esteem of others, and to make them feel important, is admiration. Whenever you admire another person for something he or she has accomplished, for some personality trait or for some possession, you raise his or her self-esteem. Admiration is a powerful tool in human relations. As Abraham Lincoln said, "Everybody likes a compliment." You can use admiration almost anywhere and in almost any situation. You can be virtually guaranteed that the other person will feel more important as a result.

You can admire personality traits or qualities. When you com-pliment a person for being punctual, or for being generous, or for being persistent or for being determined, you make that person feel more valuable and important. We are all proud of our positive traits. We are usually proud of what we have become. When other people recognize and admire us for these qualities, we feel better about ourselves.

You can admire people's possessions. People often invest a lot of emotion in the things they acquire. For example, most people put a lot of thought into the furniture and fixtures they purchase for their homes. You can never go wrong complimenting a person on how attractive his or her home or living room looks.

People also put a lot of thought into their clothes. You are guaranteed to make a woman feel better about herself by compli-menting her on any article of her clothing or accessories.

You can achieve the same effect with a man by complimenting him on his clothes, especially his shoes or his tie. Men usually spend a lot of time thinking about the ties they wear and selecting the shoes they buy. They will be both surprised and happy when you admire them.

compliment them on the education they've acquired or the position they've arrived at. You can admire the business they've built, or anything else that they've achieved.

Admiring people's accomplishments raises their self-esteem and makes them feel good about you. If you sincerely want to admire another person for something, you will find endless opportunities to do so. Everyone has accomplished something that is worthy of your admiration. Your job is to find it and compliment him or her on it.

Let me add one note of caution, however. Only express appreci-ation, approval or admiration when you genuinely feel it. Never be insincere in your attempts to raise the self-esteem of others. People are like human lie detectors. They can detect insincerity across a crowded room. Don't be guilty of it.

There is only one exception to this rule: An insincere smile is better than a sincere frown any time. But in all other cases, your compliments should be sincere. You must honestly mean what you are saying. If you don't, people will feel that you are trying to manipulate them. If they do, you will get the opposite response to the one you desired. The other person's self-esteem will go down and he or she will react to you with distrust and defensiveness.

These first five things you can do to make other people feel more important all begin with the letter A. The first is to be "IJ"te-IIble. The secondistoeXpress tu:apttmU, tosmile at people youmeet. The third is to express ~, to say "thank you" on every occasion. The fourth is to express "l'/""oPlll, to praise and recognize other people for the positive things they do. The fifth is to express ~J to compliment people on their accomplish-ments, their traits or their possessions. This behavior on your part is the foundation of good relationships with others. Each time you practice these behaviors, you make other people fed better about themselves, and you, and you fed better about yourself.

The sixth step you can taU to make others fed important also begins with an A, and it is 1Ittmtion. Life is the stUdy of attention. You always give your attention to that which you most value, to

that which most interests you, to that which is most important to you. Your attention is your life. Wherever your attention goes, your thoughts, your feelings, your life goes also.

In your relationships with others, the amount of attention you pay to them is the chief indicator of how important they are to you. You always give more of your attention to the people and things that you value the most. The opposite of attention is indifference. You ignore people and things you neither value nor appreciate.

When you pay attention to a person, you are saying, "I value you and I consider you to be important." When you ignore a person, you are saying, "I consider you to be unimportant and of little value." The very act of paying attention to a person increases his or her self-esteem. The act of ignoring a person lowers his or her self-esteem. Indifference often makes him or her feel angry and defensive.

A major cause of negative emotions is the feeling that we are being ignored by people. Being ignored, whether by a spouse, a boss or even a waiter in a restaurant, makes us feel devalued and diminished. This is why people who are effective in human relations are very sensitive to, and aware of, the need to pay proper attention to others.

How do you pay proper attention to other people? You practice the "white magic" of listening. Listening is the true measure of attention in human relations. Listening is the way you show how much you value another person and what that other person is say-ing. It is only when you listen, and listen well, to another person that you demonstrate to the other person that he or she is valuable and important. The best leaders and salespeople, the best managers and friends, are all excellent and skilled listeners.

There are three main benefits to becoming a good listener. The first is that listening buUdr trust. Whenever someone listens to us, we trust that other person more. The fastest way for two people to build trust between them is for each to listen attentively and appreciatively to the other person. When you listen attentively, the other person likes and trusts you far more than if you don't. He or she is then far more open to being influenced by you.

The second benefit of good listening is that listening buUdr self-menn. When you listen carefully and attentively to a person, his orher self-esteem goes up. Whenever anyone listens to you very care-

fully, your self-esteem goes up as well. You feel more important. You feel that you are a more valuable person.

The third benefit of listening is that listening builds self-discipline. It requires tremendous personal mastery and self-control to listen attentively to another person. The average person speaks at about 150 words per minute, while you can listen at the rate of almost 600 words per minute. Active listening requires that you control your attention, and keep yourself focused on the person speaking. The more you can discipline yourself to listen without distraction, the more effective you will become in other areas of your life as well.

The first part of active listening is to listen attentively. Face the speaker directly, rather than at an angle. Lean slightly forward, toward the speaker. If you are standing up, shift your weight onto the balls of your feet so that your energy projects forward. Watch the mouth and eyes of the other person closely. This tells the speaker that you are paying complete attention to what he or she is saying. It makes it clear to the speaker that you are fully engrossed in the conversation.

The second part of active listening is to listen without inter-rupting. Most people don't really listen when another is speaking.They are so busy thinking about what they are going to say when the other person takes a breath that they seldom hear what the other person is really saying.

Whenever a speaker senses that the listener is just waiting for a chance to jump in, or that the other person's thoughts are some-where else, perhaps busily preparing a response, the speaker feels irritated, uncomfortable and often insulted. But when the speaker feels that the other person is tuned to him or her and to what he or she is saying, the speaker feels more valuable. So listen patiently, listen calmly, listen as if there was nothing else in the world that you would rather hear than what this person is saying, for as long as this person takes to say it.

The third part of active listening is to pllUSe befort replying. When a speaker finishes speaking, pause for three to five seconds before saying anything. In this pause, three things will happen.

First, you will actually hear the other person better. When you allow a few seconds for the other person's remarks to sink in, you actually understand the other person more completely.

Second, when you pause, you aroid interrupting the other per-son ifhe or she has just paused to collect his or her thoughts. When you pause for three to five seconds, you give the other person an opportunity to continue rather than cutting him or her off. There are few things more irritating or insulting than being interrupted in the middle of a thought or in the middle of a sentence.

Third, when you pause before replying, you make it clear, with your silence, that you consider what has just been said to be im-portant. You are giving it careful consideration. It is a great compli-ment to the speaker to have the listener sit quietly and think about his or her remarks before responding, whatever the response may be.

The fourth part of good listening is to questWn for clarification. Ask questions to ensure that you fully understand what the other person has said. There is an old saying, "Errant assumptions lie at the root of every failure." When you assume you understand, with-out checking, you very often don't understand what the other per-son has said at all. This is especially true in conversations between men and women.

One of the best questions you can use to "perception check," to ensure that what you heard and what the person said are the same thing, is to ask simply, "How do you mean?" or "How do you mean, exactly?"

My experience in sales, marketing, consulting and training has been that, if you have any doubt at all about what the person really means, you have probably not understood. It's essential to good communications and good listening that you ask questions to en-sure clarity. And you can never ask the question, "How do you mean?" without getting greater clarity.

Perhaps the best way to expand a conversation, increase your opportunities to listen and improve your understanding is by the use of open-ended questions.

An open-ended question is one that cannot be answered with a "yes" or a "no." Open-ended questions begin with, in the words of Rudyard Kipling's poem, "... six honest serving men/(They taught me all I knew);/Their names are What and Why and When/And How and Where and Who.".

The additional benefit of asking open-ended questions is that you get more opportunity to listen, more opportunity to build trust, and more opportunity to fully understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. Remember, you never learn any-thing while your mouth is open. When you are speaking, all you can say is what you aJrealiy know. But when you are listening, it's possible for you to learn something new.

The fifth part of active listening is to fled back the person's words to him or her. Paraphrase what he or she has said in your own words. When you paraphrase and feed it back, you compli-ment the speaker. You show how closely you have been paying attention. In fact, until you can feed back a speaker's meaning cor-rectly, you haven't really understood.

Try this when another person finishes speaking. Pause for three to five seconds and then say, "Let me make sure that I understand you. What you're saying is this.» And then go on to feed it back in your own words.

Whenever you make the effort to listen so attentively that you are able to feed a person's words back to him or her, you increase your ability to communicate. You build greater trust between thetwo of you. You build higher self-esteem in the other person, and you develop self-discipline in yourself.

Empathic listening involves genuinely caring and acting as a sound-ing board for the other person, rather than trying to solve the other person's problems yourself.

Therapists use this technique of empathic listening by feeding the person's words back to him or her in a different form. If the person says, for example, "I am really frustrated with my job," you might say, UYou sound as though you are feeling overwhelmed with the way things are going at work."

When you reflect a person's words back to him or her, you often help that person not only to come to a better understanding of the problem but also to gain insights into the solution.

There are two types of empathic listening, simple rdkction and mterprail't reflection.In"simple" reflection, you rephrase what thespeaker has explicitly stated without adding anything to it, and

If a person says, "I'm really worried," you simply say, "You seem to be really worried."

In "interpretive" reflection you go beyond simply restating what the speaker.has said. Instead you reflect what appears to you to be the underly10g message. "Something really seems to be both-ering you about your work; could it be that your boss is putting too much pressure on you?"

. With interpretive r~flection, you can do one of two things. FIrst, you. can.sununan~ what the other person has been saying

~d ~en IdentIfy themes 10 these messages. For instance, you may IdentIfy a theme such as anger, or frustration. You could say, "I sense that you are really angry or frustrated in this situation." You do not add a deeper meaning yourself.

The second type of interpretive reflection is trying to paraphrase the thoughts or feelings that the speaker hasn't stated but that you suspect are the real. message. You attempt to deal with the core issue rather than with the symptom.

For example, one day when my son Michael was eighteen months old, my oldest child, Christina, who was almost five, came into the kitchen crying and said, "I hate my brother."

Before I understood interpretive listening, I would have said something like, "Oh, no you don't, you love your brother, and you know it." Instead, reacting to the message that was not being said, and understanding sibling rivalry, I said to her, "You feel that we are paying too much attention to your little brother and that we're not paying enough attention to you, don't you?"

At this, Christina broke into tears and said, "Yes, I sometimes feel that you love him more than you love me." She didn't really hate Michael; she simply needed to be reassured that we still loved her very much.

This form of interpretive reflection or empathic listening is very helpful. It requires you to go beneath the speaker's words and look for the real reasons the speaker feels the way he or she does.

By practicing reflective listening, you can be very helpful, not only to the members of your own family, but also to your friends and the people you work with. Sometimes, all a person requires is

an insight, reflected back by a sincere friend, to be able to under-stand what he or she needs to do to solve his or her own problems. You can provide these insights by being a sensitive and skilled listener.

The seventh way to raise the self-esteem of others is to use the principle of the boomerang. This principle is that ''whatever genu-ine emotion you express toward any other person will boomerang back on you, sooner or later."

Shakespeare wrote, ''The fragrance of the rose lingers on the hand that casts it." Whenever you express a positive sentiment to or about someone else, it will eventually come back to you, like a boomerang. If you express a negative thought or idea, the same principle holds true, so make sure that what you say about others is what you want to have come back.

Resist the temptation to criticize, condemn or complain. Prac-tice being agreeable and accepting. Express appreciation, approval and admiration. Listen attentively to others when they speak, and remember the boomerang. If you do all these things you'U make others feel terrific about themselves and you'U be welcome wherever you go.

So far, everything that we have talked about in this chapter shines forth at its very best in the art of conversation. It is in conversing with other people, the easy give and take, the exchange of ideas, information and opinions, that a person demonstrates the quality of his or her personality. Here are some ideas that will help you be a better conversationalist in any work. or social situation.

The first rule of good conversation is to cue the subject to your listener. Talk to people about subjects that interest them.Anysub-jects, including the subjects that used to be taboo in conversation, are okay if they are of interest to the person you are speaking with. You can discuss politics and religion if the other people you are

response to a particular subject, back off quickly and talk about something else.

One of the best ways to open a conversation is simply to ask the person, "':Vhat sort of work do you do?" If you know what the

person does m general, the person's position or industry, ask a qu~stion like, 'CWhat exactly do you do there?" or, "How are things gOl11g at work?"

~o matter ~hat answer you get with regard to the person's s~clfic occupanon or activities, one of the most interesting ques-

nons you can ask another person is, "How did you get into that business (or line of work), anyway?"

Most people consider their personal career path to be one of the most fascinating stories ever told. Whenever the speaker stops, you can keep the conversation or momentum going by asking "And then what did you do?",

Asking people, "How did you get into that business, anyway?" an~ "An~ then what did you do?" will enable you to keep a conver-

your listener is to be sensitive to the amount of interest shown by the other per~n. If he or she becomes fidgety, begins looking

around.or off l11to th~ distance, it's a sign that you need to change the subject to something of greater interest.

When this happens, simply pause for a moment, then ask a question starting with one of the words, What? Where? Whm? How? Why? or Who? "How long have you lived here?" "Where didyou go to school?" ''When did you start at that company?"

A second rule for good conversation is to talte your turn. This means, of course, no monologue. If ever you find that you have talked for three minutes straight, without question or comment from your listeners, you can be pretty sure that you are talking on

a subject of interest only to yourself. We all make this mistake. Re~e~ber, ~ other people are not contributing, what you are

!aking your tum also means not interrupting when people are talking. And when you are interrupted, as when someone else joins the group, the most polite thing to do is also the hardest: shut up. Don't go back and finish a story unless you are asked to do so.

rolling in and out. Each person has an opportunity both to speak and to listen. If either party is deprived of the opportunity to speak, the conversation becomes one-sided and the person talking will be thought of as a bore.

The third rule for good conversation is to think before you rpudt. Avoid saying anything that would make someone uncomfortable, unhappy or self-conscious. Be tactful and aware of the feelings and sensitivities of other people.

The opposite of tact is just plain thoughtlessness. A good way to avoid being tactless is not to be adamant about anything. Benja-min Franklin, in his autobiography, tells about how he totally changed his personality and his effectiveness with others, by preced-ing each of his opinions with the words, "It seems to me that" or "Some people say that," and so on. If you present your opinions in a tentative way, to indicate that you are open to the possibility that you could be wrong, you will find it much easier for others to listen to you and to appreciate your ideas.

Be sure to indicate that you believe other viewpoints and other tastes are as valid as your own. There is nothing black or white in areas that are highly subject to individual opinions or tastes. Your views on politics, religion, sex, nutrition or any other subject on which there are many different viewpoints, are just that: yotR' l1iew.s. If you make it clear that you are open to other opinions and other interpretations, people will be much more open to yours.

For good conversation, respea uther people's priVfI&J and reserve a little privacy for yourselЈ Some people get into the habit of interviewing other people, and asking them a lot of questions whose answers are really none of their business. Keep your ques-tions general and impersonal and give the other person the 0p-portunity to decide whether or not he or she wants to open up to you.

Don't burden casual acquaintances with your troubles. There's something about social gatherings and cocktail parties that gener-ates confessions or long discussions about all the troubles a person is having. Never criticize, condemn or complain. Be positive and cheerful. Keep your problems to yourself.

It's helpful to remember that everything you say can be used against you. Burnham's Law says "Everybody knows everything." Anything that you tell anyone under any circumstances is eventually going to be known to everyone, and especially to the worst possible

person you would want to hear it. Be careful what you say; there are no secrets in social or business life. A "secret" has been well defined as "something that you only tell one person at a time. " Secrets have no value unless they can be shared.

Finally, to be an excellent conversationalist, be natural. Be your-self. Let your personality flow. Only say what you feel comfortable saying. If, for any reason, something inside you tells you not to s~ up, listen to your inner voice. Speak easily and spontaneously, Without trying to impress or be impressed by anyone. Just say what comes naturally to your mind.

The very best conversationalists and the most enjoyable people to be around are those who are relaxed, positive and completely natural.

The art of conversation and social interaction is the playing field where you can develop all of your personality skills to their highest degree. You can practice each of the recommendations for makirtg other people feel important that we have discussed in this chapter. You cart liPOid criticizing) condemning) or complaining when you are conversing with others. You can practice being agreeable) even when you disagree with the other person's point of view. You can do it as a discipline, as an exercise in personal development.

You can practice IICCefJtance by smiling at the people you meet and looking into their faces and eyes. You can practice ~

by saying "thank you" for everything that everyone does for you. You cart practice II/'fJ1VPRJ and recognition by praising other people for their accomplishments. You can practice IIIlmirtJtion by asking people about themselves and then admiring their traits, qualities and achievements.

Above all you can practice attention) the "white magic" of active listening. This, as much as any other habit, will make you the kind of person that other people want to be around.

There is a famous story told about Dale Carnegie. The story goes that he was once invited to a party in New York being held in honor of a wealthy woman who had just returned from a trip to

When Dale Carnegie arrived at the party, he was introduced to this woman, and the woman immediately said, "Oh, Mr. Carnegie,

I have heard that you are one of the finest conversationalists in New York. Is that true?"

Dale Carnegie replied, ''Thank you very much, madam. And I have heard that you have just returned from a trip to Africa. Why did you decide to go to Africa?"

When she told him why she had gone to Africa, Carnegie then asked, "And who did you take to Africa with you?" "And when did you go to Africa?" "When did you return?" "Where did you go when you were in Africa?" "How did you get therd" "And what exactly did you do when you were there?"

The two conversed for about twenty minutes. During this time she spoke about 95 percent of the time in answer to Carnegie's questions. The next day, in the social pages of a New York newspa-per, she was quoted as saying, "Me. Dale Carnegie is surely one of the finest conversationalists in New York."

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